Today I felt like life was almost back to normal. We went to the O2 last night and had a bit of a bop to Bruno Mars. This morning I got up early and got my Guardian, FT and NY Times, went for a run with Madelaine and the Bonz (I’m up to 25 min now), had a coffee afterwards and then did my physio-directed floor exercises. I’m training for a Charity 10K run in July (although it’s like starting from scratch) and I’m going back to work (gradually) on Monday. So why did I burst into tears this morning for no reason at all? It was the second time this week. The first time was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy while cycling on the turbo trainer. There was patient about to go into major surgery and she had got all of her finances in order for her family in case she died on the operating table. Of course that brought it all back to me and I had a quite sob while watching it. Today, however, it was out of the blue and it was a loud long wail of a cry. Was it tears of joy to be getting back to normal, was it one of the side effects of my cancer-induced Menopause, or was it some delayed shock to the trauma that I have endured?
Come to think of it, I have been going back over the blog this week and reading all of the amazing posts from my incredible husband and all of the wonderful words of support from family and friends – and I am full of so much gratitude.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about the fact that I have been given a second chance and that I really need to think about how I spend my time. I don’t feel the need to make any radical change but I do want to do some things differently and to really think about my priorities – spending time with family and friends, campaigning for women’s economic empowerment, building a meaningful career. And when I think about it, I get impatient to move forward and put things in motion. And then I get overwhelmed with all that I want to do/accomplish/achieve/organise. Hopefully that’s a sign that I’m feeling stronger.
So what about those tears? I’m going to chalk them up to a combination of things and just let them flow. One of the many new-life resolutions that I have made is to be very open and honest and not worry about what other people think, to be true to myself – if that means a few tears here and there, so be it. It’s all part of the journey and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I’m definitely different than I was before the surgery and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I think that I will soon get back to 100% and then I will be even better than I was before – I had cancer before and I didn’t know it, and I’ve had a helpful wakeup call. I’m going to make the most of it.