A Merry Little Christmas

I’ve had lots of lovely messages, cards, calls, etc. over the holidays to wish me a Merry Christmas and to say that people are thinking about us. It’s been really lovely. Many have acknowledged that it would probably be a very difficult Christmas for us. I’ve actually had a lovely Christmas. While I am increasingly aware of this ‘jelly belly’ that I am carrying, it has not stopped me from enjoying myself with my family and friends – we’ve eaten and drunk too much, played silly games and laughed until we were almost crying, we’ve watched Christmas telly while fighting over the best of the Quality Street and I’ve continued to run in the park with Madelaine and Bonzo. I even went to music ‘gig’ with Teddy on Boxing Day. However, I realise that it’s been very hard on my family – at this stage, it’s much harder for them, than for me.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night tangled in wires. I had gone to bed with my noise cancelling headphones on listening to an Insight Timer sleep meditation app. As I lay awake in bed at 1am, I realized that this time next week, the surgery will be over and I will be lying in bed in the Hampshire Clinic with real tubes and wires. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what it would be like to be brought round in the high dependency unit with all of the various drains, drips and in particular the nasal gastric tube. Not to mention the bandages and large scar. I’m sure that it will be a bit scary, but I’m sure that the epidural and morphine drip will be helpful mitigants. I am going to focus on the fact that this time next week I should be cancer-free and starting the journey on my road to recovery.

I then went through my mental checklist of preparation for the hospital – I have a new wardrobe of lovely pyjamas and loungewear and some cashmere slippers, I’ve got my new travel blowdryer and travel electric toothbrush, I’ve got my light up Wonder Woman, lavender pillow spray, eyeshades, and earplugs. Today I will start putting together the books that I want to read, download some box sets on my iPad, create some new playlists, and get a supply of batteries for my noise-cancelling headphones. I’m also going to do some spreadsheets – get all of my friends phone numbers and emails organized for my mum, and some lists for Trend. Focusing on all of the organizational details is somehow comforting.

I’m sure that it will all get a bit more ‘real’ as we get closer to the 3^rd of January, but for now I’m going to keep enjoying the holiday – bring on the Quality Street and rubbish telly!